The field was full mum. Full of you. Everywhere I looked. Everywhere I turned. Strong. Thick stemmed. Beautiful. Tall. Sunflowers.
Proud. With presence.
I’ve never witnessed more beauty and more you since you died than I did yesterday. Not only because I visited a field of sunflowers. Not only because of the vastness of you spread across a special place. It was the people I had around me and what this weekend represents to me.
We’ll start with Friday 28.07.17 – a year to go until I get married. I’m not going to pretend I have the perfect relationship and despite how lovey dovey I am I’m more proud of the fact that our relationship has had hardship and struggle but strengthened from that to form the partnership that it is than to present a flawless fake impersonal view. I’ve sat at the crematorium when times were tough to talk through with you whether it was right.
What I can proudly express is that the man you’ll never meet in person is one of my favourite people on this earth. A protector. A gentleman. A rational, intelligent, strong man who offers me support like you couldn’t imagine. He’s an optimist, he’s calm, he’s patient. He’s thoughtful.
He completed Ride London today where I greeted him at the finish with the love and admiration I readily feel for him flowing strongly. On this symbolic weekend what I feel is representative of his hard work ethic and ability to keep going. His resilience. I’m marrying a man I’m excited to build a home with mum and start a family with one day. I wish you could meet him but I felt you this weekend celebrating with us in the sunflower field.
Yesterday some of my best girls came together and planned a day centred around sunflowers and lavender. Both I associate with you. 1. Yes, your favourite flower. 2, Lavender. Your nighty always smelt of lavender oil and olbas combined. You’d dab it on my pillow. You’d drop it in my bath.
A meal that followed was a place not only to toast the year to go but a safe place free from judgement from beautiful females that have individually influenced my life and during different times. From the one that was there on the day of your death. To the one who was there through the turmoil teen grief. To the one that saw me through an experimental unsure entry to adulthood. To the one who found me later as I navigate life without you whilst holding you near. They know and accept me. Mental health struggles and all. I am open with them. I am vulnerable with them. I am me. With them. How lucky am I?
We don’t choose the cards we’re dealt. We can choose what they mean to us and whether we keep them close to our chests or out, open and free.
I am blessed with family, friends and a partner I adore.
My mental health may be a ‘forever’ journey to an unknown destination, but I know I’ve got you with me all the way through.
More ups and downs will come. Keep shining around us mum.
We love you 🌻💜 we need you. X