Happy Easter everyone. I hope you’re enjoying a 4 day break or a general weekend whatever you may be doing.
I’ve been struggling for quite some time now. The day before ‘good Friday’ I began to suffer at work and as internal tears streamed down the inside of my face I was holding it in on the outside until I couldn’t take it anymore.
Everyone has pressures at work, however big, however small and some days they can handle them and other days it’s tougher. As a stressful scenario arose I just couldn’t cope. Even if in my rational mind, it didn’t need to be stressful, I (Anxious ‘I’) put added anxiety on my head and shoulders that spoke into my ear: “You’re not good enough, you don’t get it, why can’t you do it? You shouldn’t be here.”
Eventually, I wrote on a post it note to my colleague at work, “I’m really struggling and teary”. They advised me to go home but in my head that was being a ‘failure’.
After a few trips outside for some air, attempts at mindful breathing, calls to my loved one and family, I did eventually leave.
I was not in great headspace. Boy was I not.
My mind had accumulated everything that had happened in the week adding on to the stress of the day and multiplied it by the really low thoughts I’d been having for over a week mixed with a handful of anxiety and finished with a paranoia melt. What a recipe!?
I’m usually a pretty good communicator when it comes to my mental health. I reach out, even if I’d been struggling quietly, it eventually happens. I know I’ve really not been good as I’ve just barely spoken to anyone about it. About the real it. Just how scary it is.
I’ve been so afraid of this…
Someone I know, love and care about is also really struggling ATM but in a different way and it suddenly (although I already knew this) dawned on me how easy it is for our thoughts and minds to control us, instead of the other way around. How these thoughts can turn to voices. How these voices of negativity can cause such detriment that if we don’t nip them in the bud how an earth will we be able to do something about them? Our brains are powerful and yes, we have so much strength but living with anxiety and depression you can get depleted pretty easily if you don’t stop to restore.
I’m understanding more and more about why mindfulness can help but it takes a good while to form a habit. Patience can be low when you are so desperately hurting, so desperate to get better with immediate effect, knowing, there’s no fully transformative ‘instant’ cure.
Those suffering with mental illness have an abundance of internal conversations and a dialogue of beating ourselves up because of guilt. “I should have done this.” Etc etc etc.
I know I try to help myself in many ways yet I’m still hard on myself for not trying harder.
This is defintiely a testing time and as much as my dear other half is trying very hard to help me see the positive, my immediate response catastrophises and whilst we try and take it hour by hour, there I am over by next week.
What I can do when I’m like this, some how, is focus on others. If others need me to be strong for them. I can. But when it comes to a trip back to my own reality, I feel stuck in thick, sinking mud. How my mind feels.
I get the same feeling multiple times a year. I (strangley perhaps) wish, that I could afford, to take some time off. To recover. To admit myself to some much needed help. Whilst waving a magic wand so that none of my loved ones are worried and know that I will be okay. I know I will. I just can’t bare, the suffering along the way.
I will carry on as I always do. Please be patient with me, friends I’ve not spoken to , friends I’ve not seen.
I wish I could be a friend to myself right now and give in to myself. Give myself a hug. Accepting all parts weak and strong.
I still love you, dear Abbie. And on with the fight we shall go.
Stop for air on the way. You can do this. It’s okay to rest in between.
Love Abs x 💙