I don’t usually write in evenings but as I sat at the table and gazed outside I realised I resembled the outdoors. It’s summer. It’s raining. It’s England.
Summer = people posting about sunshine, beer gardens and general happiness and prettiness of greenery and scenery.
Raining = people moaning (that it’s raining in summer…)
England = our summer is so unpredictable here that we’re in the 8th month of the year and I’m sat gazing at the raindrops and grey.
So basically, I feel like a rainy summers day. A, ‘why?’ feeling. Why is it raining in summer? Why am I feeling low when life is good?
That’s depression for you folks. Can come just as unpredictably as English weather and catch you right off guard. For anyone who cares about hair, it’s like having a blow dry and 3 steps after walking out of the salon a monsoon hits and ruins your feel good fresh feeling you just paid for. You’ve no umbrella and there’s no nearby shelter.
My mental illness really is like the weather and rainy spells as it literally – comes and goes in ‘spells’! Only when I’m a bit more well do I see the rainbow side of it though…
It’s so annoying when it’s sunny or overcast, pleasant with a breeze – ‘normal’, and I feel without mental illness, and begin to really question whether it will ever come back…And then 💥 BOOM 💥 every. single. time. It returns. It just appears like magic, out of nowhere. Except magic is fun. It appears like a ghost! That’s a good one actually as it gives you a fright, you might or might just not see it and people may or may not believe (in) it. Yes, depression – the unfriendly ghost. Casper’s enemy.
Often when I’m like this I just long to be in bed. My safe place. Protected. But life doesn’t have time for you to be ‘depressed’ if you’re a functioning depressive. It’s not that kind. You are in battle between carrying on and becoming less functioning which is freightening and reminds me of break down times where I was admitted to hospital.
I start therapy again tomorrow though. With an art therapist.
I look forward to exploring more creative therapeutic measures as if doodling, cutting and sticking and simply playing with stationery brings me joy then who knows what’s in store…
Good night ladies and gents.
Try and find a rainbow…
Abs X 💙