Trying to understand ‘concious?’ #dreams #grief #loss #bereavement 

Hi All,

I hope you are well. 

I’ve been meaning to blog about a fairly intimate recurring ‘thing’, let’s call it for now – because it’s not a dream – as it happens before I sleep, although recently it has been shifting into my dream land too. I guess this is because thoughts can manifest into dreams (I’m no expert, my old therapist told me often it happens). 

Basically, before I sleep each night, I keep calling out for my mum. Recurrently. Silently. Like a ‘thought’ call. In fact, if I’m really honest it’s like a little girl as its saying, “mummy, mummy, mummy…” On repeat. Then my adult self has a word with my kid self and changes it to “mum, mum, mum”. (Oh how I miss saying mum! Someone said her name the other day ☺️). I can’t understand it though. It’s been going on for a while. I guess it sounds sweet and an obvious reaction from others may be that of, ‘hey – you just miss your mum,’ that’s all. Perfectly normal. Cute. Reverting back to child ego state. (Seems like my only state half the time 😝). But it’s more than that, I just know it is. And last night. Really sadly but quite amazingly as it hasn’t happened in yonks, I dreamt she was alive!!! 😀 and it was a nice dreeeam. Although she died ‘again’ in the end 🙈 but she was alive for a bit. We were trying to keep her alive. She smiled. I saw her smile. Her thick hair. Shaping her pretty face and ear to ear smile I inherited. 

But aside this dream. Why am I calling out for mum every night before I sleep? Yes, duh, I miss her. And maybe ever since my life is positively moving in the right direction and I want to share my latest news with her. But it’s more than that. Maybe I feel like I need her protection, maybe I feel since I’m getting on with life a bit more she doesn’t feel the need to be my guardian angel all the time (she always will be. I know that). But what is it? 

I guess it feels weird as its new…and at the ripe old age of 26, it feels odd. You see all these quotes out there saying “it doesn’t matter how old you are you still always need/first person you want is your mum” but…I’m used to that. I think it’s just because I reallllly want her here. I want her celebrating with me. I want a cuddle. I want 2 parents. Okay newsflash – it’s probably cos I miss her. And that’s okay. 

I was her shadow on planet earth. And although I’m calling out to her. I know she’s my shadow now.

Love you mum! Hope you’re listening as I call 🙌🏻😘😘😘

Abs X 💚

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