Another Sunday post, so you may guess perhaps another special day? You guess correctly – grandma’s birthday. Dad’s mum.
Don’t predict that every time it’s someone’s special day that I’ll dedicate a blog to them as that might not always be the case! I’ve written grandma a separate card, spent my morning with her beautiful self, and I will do more with her later. It’s just a day I need to write. It’s also special as Sophie’s up for the day. We’ll work on our vlog. And she’s promised me endless cuddles.
Anyone who’s been reading previous blogs knows I’m not in a good place ATM. I’m on edge, I’m hurting, there’s pain and there is heart ache.
Despite managing a Saturday of being out and about in my depressed state yesterday, doing things I enjoy and anxiety not getting in the way of it, I’m still the same. D&A may make space for lights to shine in the darkness but it doesn’t mean the power cut has been sorted. Luckily for me I have some people who are my everlasting candles. The glow in the darkness. For the expression well known is, “only in the darkness can you ever see the stars” although actually… (Ah, I won’t waste time correcting this).
You read a lot of articles where older people reflect and they say they wish they’d spent less time worrying in their 20’s trying to figure out life. I wouldn’t say I’m worrying or dedicating my time to ‘figuring it out’ but I do explore my own changes. My own development. Why I am and how I am like I am etc etc, how very self indulgent.
People – are funny. It’s funny how their significance changes as you do. As they do. As life grows. You hear it all the time and it’s true.
D&A mean I don’t trust easily. Being bereaved by suicide means the same. Being bereaved as a child means the same +needing to trust – thinking everyone will leave suddenly when you need it + desperately yearning love – not trusting + needing guidance. How’s your math doing guys?! 👍🏻
When sunflower first died, I placed trust in every Tom, Dick and Harry, every Kate, Louise and Mary…i’d take what was there to attempt to fill a huge hole in my heart. So huge you could fill it with binge eating, alcohol, sex, drugs and rock and roll…and it would only get bigger not smaller. Surprise, surprise. Deeper, not full. Why didn’t anyone tell me this?
14. I was 14. “Help me! Help me help me! Help me!” I hear my inner child screaming. Help me. Help me. Nope. I dealt with it alone. That was fun. Not. I was too young to do this. Too freaking young. Yes it taught me a thing or two that I can acknowledge now but argh it shouldn’t have been the way it was. Yes, we may only be able to learn through our own experiences rather than being told sometimes but … I needed direction.
It’s tainted every friendship and loving relationship I’ve ever had in some kind of way. Even if there’s a happy ending. It’s had an impact. Clearly this blog today is showing some anger. It’s okay, I’ve been told it’s healthy.
Yeah I’m ok now. Yeah, I’m doing well for myself. “She turned out alright considering, her and the 2 boys.” Isn’t that just lovely and yes we did. But mum! Can you see us? Can you see the pain? The success? The tears! The happiness? The struggle? The love. Can you see wherever you are, mum? Cos I miss you. I miss you so bad. And it hurts. And how this one heart aching act of suicide to set yourself free took bits of all of us with you, we’re somehow still here.
Ouch ouch ouch. Just saying it how it is.
Happy Sunday. Sorry/not sorry for the sadness but reality this blog may sometimes hold up a mirror to.
Abs X 💚